


Sanctuary

by boneswrites



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jim is a mess, Leonard is there to pick up the pieces, M/M, Mentions of George Kirk, Starfleet Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 10:56:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6515368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boneswrites/pseuds/boneswrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night before his birthday, and driven to his breaking point, Jim gets roughed up and returns to his shared dorm with Leonard, only to find it empty. Sick and tired of running to his best friend to fix him up, Jim takes things into his own hands and proceeds to make an even bigger mess of things. Leonard eventually gets him to speak and Jim can't help but fall apart in the arms of the only person who ever cared about him, and Leonard puts him back together again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sanctuary

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a ficlet on tumblr which inspired me to write this piece. This is how I would imagine Jim dealing with his birthday/his father's death. That one day where all the bravado that is Jim Kirk slips away and takes him away with it, but thankfully, Leonard is right there to hold him and bring him back. I hope you enjoy this and feedback is always greatly appreciated!

Jim walked into the mess of a dorm only three hours after walking out, three eventful hours that is. He scanned the room and noticed that it was exactly like he had left it, which meant one thing: Leonard never came back while the cadet was gone. Leonard had the habit of picking up stray items of clothing and tossing them on a chair to pile up, to make some kind of clear space in the dorm. Something that drove Jim crazy sometimes. Jim had also left a note for Leonard on his desk, knowing that the doctor will most likely drop his PADD on there and see the note. But the note was still sitting where Jim had left it and the PADD was nowhere to be seen.

Leonard must still be in his lab class.

Jim glanced at the clock hanging on the kitchen wall, feeling the dry blood clinging to his pale skin all over his body. He was in a bar and it was going alright up until an hour ago, up until some buffed up cadet who seemed to be heading on Security track ran his mouth a little too long for Jim’s liking. The man was already in a bad mood. What happened next was entirely not Jim Kirk’s responsibility.

He landed a couple of good punches but was immediately overpowered and turned into a punching bag himself, which would explain the aching pain in his chest and the cut steadily oozing blood from his upper left arm, courtesy of a broken beer bottle. Jim winced, already imaging Leonard’s response to that wound. It would also account for the buzzing headache and dull pain located at the bottom of his head.

Jim closed his eyes and gripped one of the kitchen stools tightly, trying to regain his suddenly lost balance. Once the nauseating wave passed, he straightened his body and walked towards Leonard’s bed. Knowing where the medical kit was (he had seen his best friend reach for it too many times to count), he blindly grabbed for it and headed into the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it behind him.

It was time he fixed himself, instead of bombarding the doctor to clean up his messes once again. No, Leonard deserved better.

*****

The room was quiet when Leonard entered his code and strode in, his shoulders slumped downwards and his face worn out from a long day. It was too quiet. It was deafening and the doctor felt his stomach flip. He knew Jim was in, the lights were on and if the discarded clothes were any indication—the bloody discarded clothes. Leonard dropped his PADD and books on the nearest surface and walked around their tiny shared space, not spotting Jim anywhere. His eyebrows creased and his heart hammed in his chest. This wasn’t like Jim. Leonard thought the man would be out till the sun came out or bouncing off the walls or…something, but not this. This was too eerie, too unnatural. Leonard found himself bracing for the worst-case scenario. Jim lying around with alcohol poisoning.

The doctor quickly shook his head, drinking wasn’t Jim’s thing, it was his own. He was the drunken mess of a man before knowing Jim. He was the one who couldn’t remember full nights because he was too busy downing a bottle or two. But in the time he had known the younger man, he hasn’t even felt the need to reach for the liquor. He drank when they went out, yes, but for some unknown reason, it never escalated beyond that. Jim had saved him, in more ways than one, and Leonard would do everything in his power to return that favor.

He stopped short, hearing the water running in the bathroom and felt his body relax for a second. And then he tensed again, the bathroom was _too goddamn quiet_. Jim’s a clumsy man, knocking things out left and right wherever he went but it was okay because that’s who Jim is. The idiot would even sing in the bathroom sometimes.

Leonard cautiously walked up to the bathroom door and pushed his ear in, trying to listen to anything he might have missed. He heard Jim mumble something over and over again. His face fell and heart broke at what he heard.

“Bones deserves better. Bones needs better. You are unworthy, you are a shadow, you are nothing. Bones doesn’t deserve you, he deserves better. Someone who can make him happy, someone who he doesn’t have to look after like a child. You’re reckless and immature and broken. Bones deserves better.”

Leonard’s eyes trailed back to Jim’s splattered shirt on the ground and it suddenly all made sense.

In an instant, Leonard knew that Jim was hurt. At least he made it home, but the amount of blood decorating the shirt wasn’t settling well with him.

It had been a few months since they started their…thing. They had definitely crossed the friends line but had no idea what to call this stage they were in. They weren’t circling each other but they weren’t giving each other everything either.

Leonard took a deep breath and once again, stuck his ear to the door to hear Jim speak again.

“You mess up everything you touch, you don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve any of this. You should rot, you aren’t good enough—”

Leonard couldn’t control his fist when it went up to bang on the door when he heard glass break on the other side.

“Jim? Jim, are you okay?”

Jim’s voice stopped short and Leonard heard him curse under his breath, followed by shuffling and uncoordinated movement. “I—I’m fine, Bones,” Jim rasped out. “I’ll be out in a bit.”

Leonard could hear Jim practically biting down on his own tongue, which meant that he had been crying. “Come on, Jim, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Nothing, really I’m fine,” Jim insisted.

“Darlin’,” Leonard sighed, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against the cool door. “Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

“I said I’m fine, Bones, I don’t need you pampering my ass all the time,” Jim snapped.

Leonard retreated. “Using that tone will do nothing in driving me away, Jim, and you damn well know that. If I have to sleep on this godforsaken floor in front of the door until you open it, then God help me I will.”

Jim fell silent.

“I’m sorry,” Leonard said softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I—just I’m worried. I come home and expect you to be out or lying flat on your bed staring at the bland ceiling like you do when you’re bored, but instead I find your bloody shirt on the ground and you locked in the bathroom. What the hell am I supposed to think?”

Jim shivers on the other side of the door and draws his eyebrows, he completely forgot to hide or hell even burn that shirt. No, not burn, it’s one of Leonard’s favorites. And now it’s ruined forever.

Leonard’s voice filtered through the door again. “I know you, Jim, and this isn’t like you. You don’t shy and hide away, you face whatever it is head on. It drives me crazy, but you don’t lock yourself away. At least not from me. So come on, I’m not going anywhere and you know that.”

“You’re wrong,” Jim’s voice was small and low. “I’m not…all that. I’m weak, and broken and…ruined. You shouldn’t have that, you should have better. ”

“I’m a grown ass man, don’t you think I can damn well make that decision myself?” Leonard growled, hating that they’re having this conversation through a barrier.

Leonard always gave Jim his privacy but in this case, screw his privacy. His hand curled around the doorknob and twisted it, his anger fueling up when the door didn’t budge.

“Jim, open the damn door right now or I’ll break it down. That won’t be pretty, it won’t sit well with Starfleet but I’ll do it.”

Nothing.

“That shell you hide in,” Leonard spoke up, “it’s crap. You’re not weak, Jim, you’re not broken and you’re not ruined. You’re the strongest person I know, you still somehow find it in yourself to shine brighter than the damn sun despite everything you’ve been through. You smile, Jim, and it makes the world a better place. It makes my world a better place. You have bagged but who doesn’t? Have you met me? I want to be here, more than anything. I mean it, kid, I’m here to stay,” he held his palm up against the door, trying to get closer to the other man.

Silence, and then a click.

By the time Leonard built up the courage and pushed the door open after saying “Jim, I’m coming in,” Jim was already by the sink facing the shattered mirror, his injured arm hidden by his body.

The first thing the doctor noticed was the pieces of the broken regenerator scattered on the floor, and then his eyes moved up to the blood dripping from the edge of sink, which led his sight to Jim’s torn bloodied knuckles. He knew immediately that Jim was in a fight but he could also see tiny shards of glass implanted into his open skin.

Without a word, he approached Jim ever so slowly and extended his arm to take the battered hand but Jim quickly pulled away, as if Leonard’s touch was going to burn him.

Leonard pulled his hand away and raised both in front of him, away from Jim. “Okay, Jim, it’s okay, I’m not going to touch you without telling you first.”

Jim remained still facing the mirror and Leonard caught a glance of his sliced arm in his reflection. There was a threat and a needle inserted in the wound, not pulled out yet. Jim was stitching himself up, the old fashion way. Explained by the broken regenerator.

Needless to say, the young man made an even bigger mess of things. Not that Leonard was going to throw that in his face, no, that was the last thing Jim needed to hear.

“Wanna tell me what happened?”

Jim replied with a stubborn shake of his head.

“Okay,” Leonard leaned against the wall. “I’ll be right here until you feel like talking.” It wasn’t a challenge and it wasn’t harsh, it was genuine and understanding. Jim felt his body relax at the thought.

Minutes or hours could have passed and Jim’s lips remained sealed. Leonard was starting to itch, his main concern being infection and the _god knows what’s manifesting in those damn open wounds_ speech began to loop in his head. Jim spoke before he had the chance.

“I heard some things,” Jim’s voice was barely a whisper.

Leonard turned his head to face Jim.

“About you and…me,” Jim breathed. “Not together,” he added quickly. “But…”

Leonard frowned, waiting for Jim to elaborate.

“It’s the reason I threw the first punch.”

“Jim, what did you hear?”

“This group of cadets…they were standing a few stools over and I wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying until I heard them say your name,” Jim avoided Leonard’s eyes. “They, uh, they were saying what a shame that you’re my best friend, and that…that I’m pathetic and wrecked and I don’t have the right to be here and that the Federation just took pity on me and all that was fine, until they said that maybe you were just as pathetic and lonely to take me as a friend.”

Leonard’s face fell and anger began boiling in his veins, making his face go red and his heart race in his chest. He would track down those so-called cadets and show them who’s pathetic with a beating they’d never forget.

But later. Right now Jim needs him.

Leonard pushed out a shuddered breath and calculated his words. “They’re bastards, Jim, they’re low lives. You know that.”

“They’re not wrong, though, about me. But when I heard them drag you into this…I lost it.”

“Why didn’t you comm me the moment it happened?”

A biter chuckle left Jim’s mouth. “Because I’m supposed to know how to take care of myself. I’m not supposed to run to you the moment my feelings get hurt. You don’t deserve that.”

“Damn it, Jim, stop saying that,” Leonard huffed.

“I’m screwed up, Bones. I screw up everything I touch,” a tear slipped down Jim’s face.

Leonard’s face softened and he approached Jim, standing next to him and looking at their reflection in the mirror. “Come on, don’t give yourself all that credit, I was screwed up before I met you.”

The smallest of smiles cracked on Jim’s face.

“All what they said was crap, Jim. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, there’s no one else I’d rather be with. You earned your spot here, you’ve worked so hard and you’re so talented and you’re a natural at all this. Your dad was a hero, you’re going to be a hero, too.”

“Then why do I feel like I’m constantly in his shadow? Like I can’t break away from it?” Jim closed his eyes.

Leonard took the chance and placed two comforting hands on Jim’s shoulders. “Because you have it in your head that you’re no better, but you are. And it kills me to see you like this, to see you doubt yourself and degrade yourself. They don’t know shit, Jim, but I know you. You can’t let them inside your head, you’re better than that.”

Jim opened his eyes and watery blue met clear hazel.

They kept looking at each other for a few moments until Jim turned into Leonard’s arms and rested his forehead against his muscular shoulder.

“Regenerator broke,” Jim mumbled.

“No shit, Sherlock.”

Jim sighed.

“Okay, I can’t stand back and ignore the amount of bacteria about to nest in that arm of yours any longer, let me close that up and look at your hand.”

Jim straightened his back and gave Leonard that side of his body.

“I can’t believe you were actually stitching yourself with a damn thread and needle. Did you even numb yourself?”

Jim shook his head.

“Of course you didn’t,” Leonard sighed and got to work.

Once the cut was cleaned and covered and Leonard was assured that there were no more microscopic pieces of glass imbedded in Jim’s knuckles, he cleaned that up too and wrapped it in cotton and a bandage. He moved to Jim’s face and began pressing down gently on the bones, making sure nothing was out of the ordinary.

Jim hissed.

“Sorry,” Leonard’s fingers lightened their touch. “Nothing is broken or fractured, this time.”

Jim breathed and nodded.

Leonard made no move to release Jim’s face from his grip. Instead, he caressed the cheekbones under touch, sending shivers down Jim’s spine. “You’re the best damn thing to ever happen to me. Don’t you dare let a couple of nitwits take that away.”

Jim leaned into Leonard’s hand.

“After all this, you still don’t believe me?”

“I believe you,” Jim said. “I do. It’s just with tomorrow—”

“I know,” Leonard sighed.

“What kind of luck makes all this happen today?”

“I don’t know, Jim, I wish I knew.”

Tomorrow would be Jim’s twenty third birthday and the twenty third anniversary of the attack on the USS Kelvin and George Kirk’s death.

“How messed up is it that I wouldn’t even know what my own father looked like if it weren’t for holos,” Jim’s voice cracked.

Leonard engulfed Jim in his arms and felt Jim wrap himself around him, his hands latching on to the back of his shirt for dear life. The doctor ran his fingers through the short hair at the bottom of Jim’s neck soothingly, holding him as the sobs tore through his body.

“You’ve made your dad proud, Jim, I know it. And you’ve made me so proud and you’re not even halfway done yet.”

Jim buried his face in the crook of his best friend’s neck, the salty tears mingling on their skins.

“I know that tomorrow is a hellish day for you, Jim, but you’re not going to do it alone. You do it alone every year, and it escapes me why. You run off to do God knows what with God knows who, God knows where and you come home at the brink of dawn and I’d always be terrified that you won’t walk through that door again. I’d always be scared shitless that you drown yourself in all that grief and sorrow and pain that you’d do something stupid and I’d lose you. And I’d never survive losing you, Jim,” Leonard’s words caught in his throat.

“You never told me that,” Jim croaked.

“I know,” Leonard sighed. “I would stay up and wait until you stumble in and fall on your bed. My heart would relax knowing that you’re safe, well, as safe as you’re gonna be.”

“That’s why you were always cranky the next day,” Jim sniffed, pulling back. “I always assumed that you stayed up studying can’t you can’t go out without me.”

“I can’t go out with you,” Leonard lifted his hands and took Jim’s wet face into them.

“I don’t want to be alone tomorrow,” Jim whispered.

“You won’t be,” Leonard promised and leaned in, pressing light kisses under Jim’s blue eyes. “I have one class in the morning and then we’ll do whatever you want.”

“I don’t want to be outside. Too many looks.”

Leonard nodded. “Okay then we’ll stay in, all day. We’ll forget about the world, it will be just you and me.”

Jim nodded, letting his forehead fall against Leonard’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to do this alone, Jim, ever. I’ve been trying to tell you this for a long time, but I’m here to stay and I’ll help you carry this. You won’t do this alone.”

“I thought after we…I don’t know, my brain started messing with me and I thought you’d leave first chance you got.”

“I don’t regret a thing. If I regret anything it’s not doing it earlier.”

“Really?” Jim connected his eyes with Leonard’s hazel ones.

Instead of speaking, the older man leaned in and captured Jim’s lips in a perfectly timed kiss, pouring everything he felt and everything he wanted to say into Jim’s parted mouth. And immediately, Jim kissed him back with just as much need and statement and assurance.

Breaking the kiss for air, Leonard kept his forehead against Jim’s with his eyes closed. “Really.”

They stayed like that for a while, drawing strength from each other. It was Leonard who spoke first.

“You’ve had a rough day, you need some sleep. Come on,” Leonard slipped Jim’s shirt over his head, grabbed his hand and switched off the bathroom light, leading Jim towards his own bed. Leonard’s bed was a little bit wider than Jim’s. They had no idea why.

Leonard watched as Jim curled under the covers and pushed the side of his head into the pillow, taking in the scent that is his best friend. When he didn’t feel the broad body next to him, Jim opened his eyes and looked up.

“Bones, stay,” his voice was fragile and low.

“I’ll be there in a sec,” Leonard whispered, stripping out of his rigid uniform and threw on a pair of sweats, opting to stay shirtless.

A few seconds later, Jim felt the bed dip next to him with weight and moved over, making space for Leonard.

“Come ‘ere, darlin’,” Leonard sighed, pulling Jim’s body into his chest and held him close, running his hand up and down his arm.

Jim settled his ear over Leonard’s steady heartbeat, closing his eyes and draping his hand over Leonard’s waist. He was safe, as long as his Bones was there, he’ll always be safe.

“It’s gonna be fine, kid, all of it,” Leonard dropped a kiss to Jim’s hair.

The next morning, the morning of his birthday, Jim woke up with a yawn, slowly opening his eyes to find Leonard already awake and gazing at him with so much love and affection and promise it nearly stopped Jim’s heart.

“How long have you been watching me?” A blush colored Jim’s cheeks.

Leonard shrugged, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“I thought you had class.”

“Do you have no idea what time it is?”

“Not a clue.”

“Class is over, dalin’, went fine.”

“Let me get this straight, you woke up, got out of bed, got dressed, went to class, came back to find me still sleeping and proceeded to take off your clothes, wear the exact same pants you did last night and slip in next to me, in the same position as last night?”

“Smartass,” Leonard huffed. “But yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I promised I’d be here when you woke up.”

Jim didn’t say anything, instead he extended his neck and pecked Leonard’s plump lips. “I could get used to this.”

“How’d you sleep?”

“For the first time in my life, I slept through midnight on my birthday.”

Leonard covered Jim’s cheek with his palm and nodded. “And you’ll sleep through many more.”

People usually liked to be awake at midnight on their birthdays, enjoyed getting the first call or text that yelled _HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!_ But not Jim Kirk. Because for Jim Kirk, his birthday wasn’t what it generally meant to everyone else. People celebrate it, Jim mourns it. He doesn’t celebrate life, his life, because he believed that he was unworthy of said celebration. Instead, on his birthday he is reminded of the loss his family suffered, of the hero Starfleet lost, he is reminded that he is a mere shadow of a great man, a man he would never become. Jim stayed awake on his birthday to drink his weight in alcohol and try to forget all that. Never once did he get a birthday call or text at midnight. The first thing people remember on that day is not Jim’s birthday, but the anniversary of George Kirk’s death.

Until that morning, when he woke up and found Leonard next to him, that he finally realized that he doesn’t have to be his dad, he can be his own man. It was Leonard that had shown him that there is more to him that what people suggested and what he himself believed. It’s for that very same reason that Leonard is Jim’s sanctuary. Leonard saved him from himself, and shielded him from the countless accusations of the world.


End file.
